It’s not that I think animals shouldn’t be allowed to get married. I got the invitation to the boat wedding in the post this morning, and being retired, I don’t have many reasons to say no.
No, it’s just that I think turtles, specifically, don’t deserve marriage. It should be the exclusive domain of humans, and maybe cats and dogs if they display clear affection. But turtles? They’re just not capable of love.
Oh, I’ll tell you exactly what I mean. I worked down at the docks for years as a boat inspector. I knew every single boat mechanic close to Melbourne at the time, and they knew me, because I was a difficult customer. You have keep those boat mechanics on their toes, so I did, and I couldn’t afford to get lax. It was almost a friendly competition between me and them. They’d polish the anchor winches, fix up the outboard motors, scrub the decks and oil then engines, and it’d be my job to call them out on something.
I won every single time. A few close calls, some in which I thought the boat was perfection, but then I’d find a barnacle on the hull. They’d complain that it wasn’t there before, I’d tell them tough bickies. They’d have a cry, and I would triumph, making all boats better in the process.
Oh, but turtles! Yes, they were the worst. I wanted nothing to do with them. The most disrespectful of all sea life, and unlike the young bucks trying to keep their ships in ship-shape, they didn’t respond to my authority at all. You say you’re going to teach a turtle a lesson and everyone gets all up in arms about respecting the environment, and all that. Turtles get away with everything!
Now that, here in Melbourne, outboard motor repairs are being done without my supervision, you’d think I wouldn’t care so much. But I do. Turtles don’t deserve love, or large media franchises. Long story short, maybe I’ll go to the wedding, but I won’t enjoy it.
-Rolph