Things have not been great for me lately. I’m up for re-election soon and my popularity score has never been lower. I’m sure there’s a more official term for ‘popularity score’, but I can’t quite remember it at the moment. Anyway, everyone seems to hate me for some reason. Just because I’ve wasted countless taxpayer money on LARPing, forced my administration to play Goblins and Grottos with me for hours on end, screwed up the travel plan for Victoria and changed the Sale of Land Act 1962 to allow me to buy whatever house I wanted for any price. Now people are outside Government House protesting about ‘abuse of power’ or some such nonsense.
Well, I suppose that’s why we’re here, isn’t it? Channel 17 wanted me to conduct an interview with myself, giving the full truth about my time in office. So here’s my unbiased take on my work as the Premier of Victoria.
Honestly, I think I’ve done a pretty good job. Ever since I was elected crime has gone down by a billion percent and people are five times more likely to report having a good time than they were before I was elected. That is not a coincidence. Sure, technically crime has gone down because I made everything legal, complaints against the government have gone up a little, and I systematically changed the way conveyancing for Melbourne properties is done in favour of my own benefit. But other than that I’ve done incredible things.
It’s a lot harder to run a state that could very well be its own country than it seems. I look at those protesters out there and I know that not a single one of them could do a better job than I do. That’s why I’m confident I’ll be elected for another term. If I retain my seat of power, you should absolutely not conduct an investigation regarding voter fraud, Russian hackers or misuse of power. You’ll find nothing; I can promise you that much.